How Did We Get Here?

Every villain has an origin story. Right? You’re judging me for giving myself the title of “Girl Entitled.” Spoiled rotten, vengeful, and utterly dependent on external outcomes for happiness, security and validation. One of those is right, can you guess? You think you know my history, what I’ve been through. You read me like a book and ask me if I’m writing one. You might shame me for complaining or find inspiration in my humility. It’s me versus you, right? Wrong. We’re not so different you and I. It took me losing everything and then some to realize that.

I’m rewriting the narrative of what kind of person you might already see me as. “Entitled” doesn’t have to be a scarlet letter for the golden child or narcissism. And “girl” is simply how any woman feels as she’s navigating life in 3D reality having to reparent herself. Add BPD, CPTSD and childhood trauma, you’ve got yourself a whole new world of problems you weren’t aware of that exist—and with it, untapped emotions that are screaming to be released, seen and heard. It is a scary place that we live in and unless we are constantly pushed to learn, adjust and problem solve, there’s no chance you’ll make it to see a sunny day. Yeah, this is entirely about my mental health crisis that knocked me down to the point of no going back to what I once thought I knew.

I started a passion project in the form of a memoir writing about my upbringing, my quest for love, and being discovered. How I longed for a guy to finally choose me, not just any guy—the emotionally unavailable one. Not just any job either—the job that would transform my life. When I wasn’t writing about my past, I was distorting my present because nothing seemed as exciting as the idea of me starring in my own movie, and me winning in triumph. And when I’d catch the clock at 11:11, I’d wish for all my dreams to come true, especially the one where I was finally seen as a famous actor, singer, performer, author, influencer, public figure … valued by many and living happily ever after with a soulmate.

So the first chance I got, I ran away to California—yes, like a teenager runs away from home (I came to learn my brain was that underdeveloped emotionally but that’s saved for a later date). I did everything right this time and knew it was going to stick: A plan that couldn’t possibly fail,” if you’ve ever seen A Shot In The Dark, you know what Peter Sellers sounds like, what scene this is from and why it’s oh so memorable. Oh yeah, I should also share that I hear voices. No, not like in The Sixth Sense or The Shining, telling me to murder anyone and make me a danger to human life, no, movie scripts live rent free in my mind. I break out into song just from one note. I hear accents from a single laugh or nod. These sounds and nuances; the ability to feel and hear them so intently started at a young age. I just didn’t know what to do with it except imagine someday it would manifest in some way.

Which brings me to the now. What am I doing with them now? I’m trying to share this talent and be seen for it. How I can casually slip into characters, emotions and embody someone else’s skin, story and voice. So much so that it comes naturally to me. There’s a word for it, acting. And me, I’ve been acting my entire life—without any training or professional experience to speak of. I learned how to perform, pretend, shape shift and make myself small to survive, which worked until it didn’t.

So how did we get here? This blog is where you might find yourself too. Maybe you’re learning who you really are for the first time. I have to remind myself I am every day as I’m “blessed” with another fun life lesson. Were you ever asked, what do you want and didn’t have a clue? The simplest things too which aren’t so simple when you think about how entitlement works, “What do I want to eat?” What do I feel like doing? Those were questions I didn’t have the answers to when I was separated from my familiar upbringing and conditioning. When I lost my job, what did I want to do with my time? How did I want to spend my mornings? Did I need coffee actually? Did I like it? What did or didn’t I like about it and why? Which brings me to the next question that used to cripple me and still sometimes sends me into freeze, “What do you need?”

What I need is to use my voice and space to do so. This blog is a safe space where I write about my experiences for how I see and feel them: good, bad, or somewhere in the middle. And isn’t entitlement really is just a fancy word for permission? I mean that rhetorically of course.

I don’t need permission anymore.This is the space for me to reclaim that, unapologetically. No topic is taboo. Especially as I am taking on a complete unknown to be discovered, respected, valued, rewarded as a voice talent, actor, performer, I know is in my DNA.

I’m taking up space. After a lifetime of silence, this blog says, “I’m entitled to my healing. I’m entitled to space. I’m entitled to not perform for approval anymore (auditioning is different.) It’s not about privilege or arrogance. It’s a space for me to just be as I’m becoming who I want to be. I feel like I’m at a place where I’m finally comfortable sharing—not to perform, but to exist. Welcome to Girl Entitled.”

You can take what resonates or not. That’s your entitlement speaking and your choice what to do with it.